The coffee terrorist nearly in tears

Little back ground for the newbies:
Since I started my medical practice in Waco, I have stopped in the same little Iranian run gas station every mornin' for coffee. The owner, Danny, makes great coffee and is just the nicest guy. Always made for the start of a good day when Danny was in the store and that's why I went there. Now Danny has a brother, Talib. Talib is not kind. In fact, he has those eyes that say, "I will set you a blaze right now, infidel!" when I would walk in the store. When Talib was working in the mornin', the coffee was horrible. Anthrax for powdered creamer? Cyanide in the sugar? Something he was doing different from Danny was trying to kill me. So I call Talib, "The Coffee Terrorist". We've had many a Dose inspired by Talib and his killer coffee.

Now on with the current events:

If you don't know, I had to swear off my mornin' coffee for my diet. So I haven't been in my favorite gas station in weeks, at least not in the mornin'. I pull in this mornin' cuz....well cuz it's a Monday mornin', extra early, I'm draggin' ass, and I need a jolt of "fake-ass morning person" in a cup! Guess who's workin'? Talib! I say to myself, "I'm not about to ruin my diet cheating moment with his sludge..." So I go back to the cooler and grab a Monster Java, cuz with that I at least know what I'm getting. I get to the counter and Talib says, "No real coffee today?" I reply, "Not today Talib... I gotta get this choked down fast and get to a meeting, and your coffee is too hot for that trick." He must have seen me pull in, ran to the coffee to throw every deadly thing he's got at me, and now I've ruined his evil plot to kill me with my new addiction, coffee in a can. I could almost hear the tears of defeat in his voice as he muttered his canned, "Have a pleasant day sir" at me, as I exited.

One line in the water at a time please!

You know, minions share odd things and stories with me all the time. I suppose most of the time it's just cuz I'm a good vent window, or that their experience may bleed over into a dose or inspire me. Most of them I get a good laugh myself and it ends there. Today I must pass one along, with my twist of course. No names to protect the not so innocent... I can't make shit this good up, I swear.

My buddy calls me up at lunch today. Says, "Jed man, I'm in deep shit..." He goes on to tell me how he'd been womanizing as usual, but this time, two of them are in the same damn sorority at Rice University. He'd been seeing one of them for a few weeks, but she'd only have him over to the "cat house" when her roomie was out. Well my man never will learn. He's out at Armadillo Palace with woman #2 last night. This one is obviously his backup plan, cuz woman #1 texts and says her roomie went out, come over. He makes an excuse to leave the bar, "See you later" and they part ways. He goes home for a few and heads to the cat house. Texts woman #1, "I'm on my way", she replies, "Well my roomie came back, so come up and get me, and we will go out or something." This is where it all hits the fan. My boy has no idea these two are in the same sorority. He gets up to woman #1's room, and guess who the roomie is... You got it! Woman #2! Once woman #2 spots him in the doorway she says, "What you do, stalk me home?" Now woman #1 wants to know how they know eachother. My buddy BOLTS! Problem is, they both know where he lives, and he owns the house... Not like he can pack and move... So he sleeps in his truck somewhere last night. Goes home this mornin' and his front door, mailbox, and the word "SLUT" written real big across the garage door all painted in hot fackin' pink! Serves him bout right, but this isn't in the ghetto. Oh no, he lives in Deer Park, aka high society Houston... Love you bud, but you sir are dumber than a box of rocks...

and I quote....

I'm in the post office this mornin', and this woman at the counter is yellin' at the clerk in a foreign language. Now, she's not mad, but obviously everyone in the room needed to here this nonsense... and I quote, "I'z done toll jew da I needz dis thur bu tumara! Nez day er it! Wudeva it take, do it puleaz!" Doesn't happen often, but I'm speechless.

Just think, some folks wonder where prejudice comes from...

The painfully obvious funny list

We haven't had much interactive Dose as of late, but my schedule is light and I'm feeling the funny today.

You know those in your face dirty, ironic, shorts that make you laugh til it hurts funny things that we all know? Well let's get a few favorites out to share. I'll post them all this afternoon.

I kick us off with:

Kermit the frog could not be Jewish, and if so, he's going to hell for eating Ms Piggy. ~Jed

Looks like no one else wanted to play along today...

Someone is twisting my own web, and it brought on a most interesting topic

I was talking with a new referral, minion #436, about today's rant, which was her first Dose ever. I've no idea who she is or who referred her to our, no longer little, cult. Just that she has a local area code and her code name is "Lucky".

My day is moderately slow, so I curiously continue conversation with "Lucky". I've so far concluded that either it is a woman one of you local match makers gave my number to, or one of my buddies idea of cruel and unusual punishment, and it's a guy one of you work with, or worst case it's a trap...

Either way, this conversation has gone far beyond the normal complete stranger questions like, "Where do you come up with this shit?" and "Wow, what's wrong with you?"... Lucky asks me, "What one word best describes you and/or your charater as a whole?"

After hours of "WTF?s" and careful thought, I decide to respond. "Intense". Nothing more, nothing less, just that word. Must have thrown her/him/it for a loop, cuz that was before 2pm, and it's now 4:15pm.

The question itself got me to thinkin' though, and you know what happens when that goes down...

I can put the word "intense" in every self-aware sentence I can write about me, and it not only be true, but it properly describes me in better detail than without it. I've spent a vast majority of my afternoon trying to come up with another word that can do that, and have come up empty.

I mean, there are only so many things that anyone knows about themself with absolute certainty. Makes me wonder, if anyone else has "that one word" figured out? How many people do I have to share my word with? Does the fact that I always find myself intensely thinkin' over every subject, topic, choice, move, and decision I ever make only make me think this is my word? Am I wrong about my word? Will this novel haunt not only my dreams, but the dreams of those souls that have made it this far without having a nuclear explosion of the brain?

Do you have that one word? Did you enjoy this, or are you searching for a handgun to put me or yourself outta your misery? Leave me a comment

Who's "The Man"?

Woman shows up late for an appointment today. Says, "Sorry, I got held up by the man", meaning what? Her husband had to do his make-up, she got pulled over by a policeman, Obama came by to audit her and up her taxes, or did Jesus stopped in to warn her of his second coming? Why can't people just leave blame where it usually belongs? It's her fault she was late regardless... Shoulda been like, "Jesus, I hate to run, but the foot man is gonna be pissed if I'm late again!"

*ATTN* T-shirt buyers

Email me your size/sizes and the address to which you want them shipped, by this Friday, to eyerecknsdailydose@gmail.com. If you are local, I will make arrangements to get your $, if you're far, I will email you the proper address to mail me a check. Sorry, I can't afford to front anyone's order. Wish I could. Thx

S-XL = $12
XXL, XXXL = $14