A small number of Daily Dose members are folks I've never met, talked to, and few have ever chimed in on a topic. Well today I got a seemingly odd message from a nearly year old member, one of these "referrals" if you will, telling me, "You need a life, or you should shoot yourself. Anyone with nothing better to do than write usless, meaningless texts to hundreds of people everyday has to be the most pathetic human on earth. Take me off your list."
So I sent Becca, the friend of mine that referred this muthafucka, a message asking "WTF?" She says, "Hell, we worked together back then and he thought you were funny then. I don't know him aside from that, but I have his email and his mailing address."
Ooo let the games begin. I haven't quite decided what I'm gonna mail him, but it's gonna be good. If UPS was even remotely reliable, it would be a pipe-bomb on a timer...but they're as bad as Obamanomic. So I will have to get creative. Wish it was his work address. Government job that scans your mail. Big suprise that this fucker just received a can of compressed air, 3 feet of 1" surgical tubing, Astroglide, and three hampsters! (You'll need a shower after you figure that out)
I'll keep you posted as to what I come up with, and now that I've posted this, it's gonna happen.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Greener grass anyone?
Ever seen a horse with a cut on its neck? Typical cause, barb-wire. Goin' for that proverbial greener grass. Not so unlike people I've known. Neck out, chasin' after better, sexier, younger, richer, wilder, and most of the time there's someone waiting at home. Why not? Cuz you're not suppose to be a heartless sumbitch your whole life, or so "they" tell me.
Speakin' of "they". If you see 'em, tell 'em to watch out. "They" keep givin' shitty advise and I'm gunnin' for 'em.
Speakin' of "they". If you see 'em, tell 'em to watch out. "They" keep givin' shitty advise and I'm gunnin' for 'em.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
EyeReckn the Home-wrecker!
Did you know that the Dose and I are home-wreckers?
I get a call at like 7:15 this mornin' from my friend Beth's home phone. Thing is, it ain't Beth. It's her new husband, which I haven't met cuz they live in bumfuk Kansas. He says, "Who the hell is this, and why is my wife getting hundreds of texts from you?" Well I spent all of 5 seconds trying to explain, stopped and said, "Here, let me call her right quick before she gets to her office this morning, and I'll have her call you back to explain our relationship." *click*
They've been married all of three months, so I'm betting that didn't sit well.
BTW: I have Beth's graces to dose this, and she has already gone nuclear on him. Beth darlin, I'm not possitive, but I don't think this is a great start for ya'll... Love ya ;-)
I get a call at like 7:15 this mornin' from my friend Beth's home phone. Thing is, it ain't Beth. It's her new husband, which I haven't met cuz they live in bumfuk Kansas. He says, "Who the hell is this, and why is my wife getting hundreds of texts from you?" Well I spent all of 5 seconds trying to explain, stopped and said, "Here, let me call her right quick before she gets to her office this morning, and I'll have her call you back to explain our relationship." *click*
They've been married all of three months, so I'm betting that didn't sit well.
BTW: I have Beth's graces to dose this, and she has already gone nuclear on him. Beth darlin, I'm not possitive, but I don't think this is a great start for ya'll... Love ya ;-)
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Feel special!...Not short bus special, but special
So I've come up with an evil plan to give my blog readers more than those minions that only check the Daily Dose text messages.
Those of you that are on here are gonna get extra metaphorical pills to pop when I feel like dishing out more than the standard Dose. Sure y'all will be label as drug abusers, but who cares? I'm the doctor that doesn't give a damn if you're high as a kite 24/7!
So check in often, cuz you never no what you'll get outta me. Feel special!
Those of you that are on here are gonna get extra metaphorical pills to pop when I feel like dishing out more than the standard Dose. Sure y'all will be label as drug abusers, but who cares? I'm the doctor that doesn't give a damn if you're high as a kite 24/7!
So check in often, cuz you never no what you'll get outta me. Feel special!
Why "Going Postal"?(Minion opinion Top 5)
So I was thinkin', imagine that. Why must it be "goin' postal" when someone loses it at work? There are way worse jobs out there... So tell me, what job is most likely to send someone into an assault rifle rage at work and why.
Since this is a first for the blog readers, here's how this works:
Minions that receive The Dose via text submit answers or ideas related to the topic. I then pick out the best, or more so the best of the worst, and make a short list of five good ones for everyone to read. Interactive mind twisting if you will. I seldom leave an entry alone. Nearly always add my little piece to it. Some minions take credit for what they submit, some want to remain nameless, but it's a great way to get everyone involved!
5. School bus driver: Yeah, yeah... Everyone says, "Oh I just love children!" Sure... Just wait til you are DRIVING 30-50 5-16 year old little sumbitches for pennies. You wouldn't do the kid, but the bus bully's mother is getting run over curbside when she is waiting on her little angel! - Andy
4. With in-house family: This will piss you off regardless of position. Everyday you're gonna wake up to your boss, your secretary, your assistant, your partner, your pee-on, or your co-worker. Then work a full day with them and maybe even carpool to and from the job. Fights at work, fights at home spill over into the dinner table, and next thing you know, you are pistol whippin' your loved one in their sleep! - Crystal
3. Telemarketer: Your job consists of ruining the family dinner, interrupting international calls that are costing $4.00 a minute, and generally pissing off anyone that dares to answer their calls without screening them. Then you get the bored guy. Keeps you on the phone with detail questions for hours, just to tell you to go to hell. Now, you've smash your monitor over the head of the person in the next cubical and are beating your boss with a keyboard followed by a mouse cord strangling! - Several minds mixed together with the same type job.
2. Nurse/Medical staff: From the time you get there, til the time you leave, you're metaphorically and literally shit on. Nothing is good nuff for the patients, doctors, or other staff. You've had your fill... Give yourself an adrenaline shot strong nuff to bring Elvis and Tupac back and rush the ER floor wielding a scalpel in one hand, and the fire ax in the other! - Amber and a host of others that know this to be true
1. Highway construction flagman: You are the most hated human being on the face of the Earth for thousands of people everyday. Honking, screaming, and yelling by everyone who just had to call the boss with yet another lame excuse for being late. The foreman that put you in that position is about to test his flight capablities off the upper most level of this mix-master you WERE building! - To remain unknown
Little side note from a ballzy friend: "It's not the job alone that does it... I would bet there is a woman somehow involved" - Not a chance in hell I'll tell you who said that, cuz he wouldn't last the night
Since this is a first for the blog readers, here's how this works:
Minions that receive The Dose via text submit answers or ideas related to the topic. I then pick out the best, or more so the best of the worst, and make a short list of five good ones for everyone to read. Interactive mind twisting if you will. I seldom leave an entry alone. Nearly always add my little piece to it. Some minions take credit for what they submit, some want to remain nameless, but it's a great way to get everyone involved!
5. School bus driver: Yeah, yeah... Everyone says, "Oh I just love children!" Sure... Just wait til you are DRIVING 30-50 5-16 year old little sumbitches for pennies. You wouldn't do the kid, but the bus bully's mother is getting run over curbside when she is waiting on her little angel! - Andy
4. With in-house family: This will piss you off regardless of position. Everyday you're gonna wake up to your boss, your secretary, your assistant, your partner, your pee-on, or your co-worker. Then work a full day with them and maybe even carpool to and from the job. Fights at work, fights at home spill over into the dinner table, and next thing you know, you are pistol whippin' your loved one in their sleep! - Crystal
3. Telemarketer: Your job consists of ruining the family dinner, interrupting international calls that are costing $4.00 a minute, and generally pissing off anyone that dares to answer their calls without screening them. Then you get the bored guy. Keeps you on the phone with detail questions for hours, just to tell you to go to hell. Now, you've smash your monitor over the head of the person in the next cubical and are beating your boss with a keyboard followed by a mouse cord strangling! - Several minds mixed together with the same type job.
2. Nurse/Medical staff: From the time you get there, til the time you leave, you're metaphorically and literally shit on. Nothing is good nuff for the patients, doctors, or other staff. You've had your fill... Give yourself an adrenaline shot strong nuff to bring Elvis and Tupac back and rush the ER floor wielding a scalpel in one hand, and the fire ax in the other! - Amber and a host of others that know this to be true
1. Highway construction flagman: You are the most hated human being on the face of the Earth for thousands of people everyday. Honking, screaming, and yelling by everyone who just had to call the boss with yet another lame excuse for being late. The foreman that put you in that position is about to test his flight capablities off the upper most level of this mix-master you WERE building! - To remain unknown
Little side note from a ballzy friend: "It's not the job alone that does it... I would bet there is a woman somehow involved" - Not a chance in hell I'll tell you who said that, cuz he wouldn't last the night
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Sport the Dose!
If you haven't heard, the t-shirts are in the works! I should have a per unit price breakdown by day's end. Those that want a shirt/shirts, I will be doing these by pre-order only. Since I'm so independently wealthy, the shirts will be sold at cost, and since you'll be sporting my name, blog, and hopefully converting thousands of people to minions, the shipping is on me. Stay tuned for bigger, better details.
Above is the back of the T-shirt. No, I won't put your name instead of MINION. Your ass belongs to me and you are all my minions, one in the same. Besides, the sex offenders of the world love when the kiddies have name tags... Really, I'm doing you a favor.
This is going to be the front logo on the T-shirts, placed top-left as a pocket patch.
Because the fate of a website is unknown, there will be no URL on the shirts. This means if someone asks you about it, since the shirt is awesome and eye-catching, you'll be in charge of pointing them in our direction.
Many thanks to the minions that have been so involved for so long that the masses want friggin' shirts! That my friends is just a great feeling. Next, a party! Then, our island!
Could I interest you in a sandwich?
So, I got my ass back in the gym yesterday!
Ever seen the women on the cardio equipment in a gym that are like 2 lbs over a holocaust victim? These people need to be seated at the Golden Corral trying to get fork to face as fast as those toothpick legs are goin' on that treadmill! It's just not attractive.
Oh, and they stare at my big ass too. "Don't judge me bitch! I will tie your tiny ass up and force feed you melted lard through a tube! And you, roid-ragin' meat head, you're next, cuz all that muscule won't stop the .45JHP bullet with your name on it outside, dickhead... Oh by the way, your package is shrinkin' ;-)"
Ever seen the women on the cardio equipment in a gym that are like 2 lbs over a holocaust victim? These people need to be seated at the Golden Corral trying to get fork to face as fast as those toothpick legs are goin' on that treadmill! It's just not attractive.
Oh, and they stare at my big ass too. "Don't judge me bitch! I will tie your tiny ass up and force feed you melted lard through a tube! And you, roid-ragin' meat head, you're next, cuz all that muscule won't stop the .45JHP bullet with your name on it outside, dickhead... Oh by the way, your package is shrinkin' ;-)"
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