Thursday, October 8, 2009

Costume party chaos!

Hey, hey, hey!

It's Fat Albert! Any child of the 70's-80's should know and love this guy. I do! So when I got the invite to an 80's theme costume party, first thing that came to mind was, "Where can I get an oversized, nasty red sweater?" I lie, first thing was, "How hard would it be to turn black for a day?", but I'll leave that alone... So, yesterday I found the shirt, shoes, costume make-up, and got a pair of jeans cuffed-up and yours truly is gonna pull this off! Stay tuned, I'll post pics later this month.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Dose Day Out - Denny's

Decided to stop in Denny's today to steal their Wi-Fi and have lunch. Don't think I've been here sober. Normally it's 3am, not 3pm. Funny thing, the same people are here. Sure our BAC is lower now, but that hasn't made it a crowd of brain surgeons... Example: Fella next to me points to my laptop, "Get internet on that thing?" Wanted to say, "No, my life is so pathetic I bring it into Denny's to sharpen my Solitaire and Minesweeper skills..."

Monday, October 5, 2009

CTD: Cruel Thoughts Disease - Big Brotha

Ever catch yourself thinking the most terrible thoughts about a total stranger? I do it way too often. Like this mornin, I'm in the store for smokes. Fella in front of me is about 5'4" 450lbs, holding a quart of chocolate milk and 2 kingsize Snickers. I guess I had my "friendly face" on, cuz he turns to me and says, "Breakfast of champions." Now I'm a big man, I get that, but I've got a diet coke and a liter of water... Glad my mind to mouth filter was in today, cuz he couldn't "champion" a downhill human bowling ball contest without a crane to get his ass up there.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Irony of the idea of "gun control"

Now, I didn't write this, but I found it to be worth stealing:

Banning guns works, which is why New York, DC, and Chicago cops need guns.

Washington DC's low murder rate of 80.6 per 100,000 is due to strict gun control, and Arlington, VA's high murder rate of 1.6 per 100,000 is due to the lack of gun control.

Statistics showing high murder rates justify gun control but statistics showing increasing murder rates after gun control are "just statistics."

The Brady Bill and the Assault Weapons Ban, both of which went into effect in 1994, are responsible for the decrease in violent crime rates, which have been declining since 1991.

We must get rid of guns because a deranged lunatic may go on a shooting spree at any time and anyone who would own a gun out of fear of such a lunatic is paranoid.

The more helpless you are the safer you are from criminals.

An intruder will be incapacitated by tear gas or oven spray, but if shot with a .357 Magnum will get angry and kill you.

A woman raped and strangled is morally superior to a woman with a smoking gun and a dead rapist at her feet.

When confronted by violent criminals, you should "put up no defense — give them what they want, or run" (Handgun Control Inc. Chairman Pete Shields, Guns Don't Die - People Do, 1981, p. 125).

The New England Journal of Medicine is filled with expert advice about guns; just like Guns and Ammo has some excellent treatises on heart surgery.

One should consult an automotive engineer for safer seatbelts, a civil engineer for a better bridge, a surgeon for spinal paralysis, a computer programmer for Y2K problems, and Sarah Brady [or Sheena Duncan, Adele Kirsten, Peter Storey, etc.] for firearms expertise.

The 2nd Amendment, ratified in 1791, refers to the National Guard, which was created by an act of Congress in 1903.

The National Guard, funded by the federal government, occupying property leased to the federal government, using weapons owned by the federal government, punishing trespassers under federal law, is a state militia.

These phrases," right of the people peaceably to assemble," "right of the people to be secure in their homes," "enumeration's herein of certain rights shall not be construed to disparage others retained by the people," and "The powers not delegated herein are reserved to the states respectively, and to the people," all refer to individuals, but "the right of the people to keep and bear arms" refers to the state.

We don't need guns against an oppressive government, because the Constitution has internal safeguards, but we should ban and seize all guns, thereby violating the 2nd, 4th, and 5th amendments to that Constitution.

Rifles and handguns aren't necessary to national defense, which is why the army has millions of them.

Private citizens shouldn't have handguns, because they serve no military purpose, and private citizens shouldn't have "assault rifles," because they are military weapons.

The ready availability of guns today, with waiting periods, background checks, fingerprinting, government forms, et cetera, is responsible for recent school shootings,compared to the lack of school shootings in the 40's, 50's and 60's, which resulted from the availability of guns at hardware stores, surplus stores, gas stations, variety stores, mail order, et cetera.

The NRA's attempt to run a "don't touch" campaign about kids handling guns is propaganda, and the anti-gun lobby's attempt to run a "don't touch" campaign is responsible social activity.
Guns are so complex that special training is necessary to use them properly, and so simple to use that they make murder easy.

A handgun, with up to 4 controls, is far too complex for the typical adult to learn to use, as opposed to an automobile that only has 20.

Women are just as intelligent and capable as men but a woman with a gun is "an accident waiting to happen" and gun makers' advertisements aimed at women are "preying on their fears."

Ordinary people in the presence of guns turn into slaughtering butchers but revert to normal when the weapon is removed.

Guns cause violence, which is why there are so many mass killings at gun shows.
A majority of the population supports gun control, just like a majority of the population supported owning slaves.

A self-loading small arm can legitimately be considered to be a "weapon of mass destruction" or an "assault weapon."

Most people can't be trusted, so we should have laws against guns, which most people will abide by because they can be trusted.

The right of online pornographers to exist cannot be questioned because it is constitutionally protected by the Bill of Rights, but the use of handguns for self defense is not really protected by the Bill of Rights.

Free speech entitles one to own newspapers, transmitters, computers, and typewriters, but self-defense only justifies bare hands.

The ACLU is good because it uncompromisingly defends certain parts of the Constitution, and the NRA is bad, because it defends other parts of the Constitution.

Charlton Heston as president of the NRA is a shill who should be ignored, but Michael Douglas as a representative of Handgun Control, Inc. is an ambassador for peace who is entitled to an audience at the UN arms control summit.

Police operate with backup within groups, which is why they need larger capacity pistol magazines than do "civilians" who must face criminals alone and therefore need less ammunition.
We should ban "Saturday Night Specials" and other inexpensive guns because it's not fair that poor people have access to guns too.

Police officers, who qualify with their duty weapons once or twice a year, have some special Jedi-like mastery over handguns that private citizens can never hope to obtain.

Private citizens don't need a gun for self-protection because the police are there to protect them even though the Supreme Court says the police are not responsible for their protection.

Citizens don't need to carry a gun for personal protection but police chiefs, who are desk-bound administrators who work in a building filled with cops, need a gun.

"Assault weapons" have no purpose other than to kill large numbers of people, which is why the police need them but "civilians" do not.

When Microsoft pressures its distributors to give Microsoft preferential promotion, that's bad; but when the Federal government pressures cities to buy guns only from Smith & Wesson, that's good.

Trigger locks do not interfere with the ability to use a gun for defensive purposes, which is why you see police officers with one on their duty weapon.

When Handgun Control, Inc., says they want to "keep guns out of the wrong hands," they don't mean you. Really.

Monday, September 28, 2009

A painful reminder...

Good Lawd, did I ever cut loose Saturday! Then I had reality bitchslap me yesterday. Drinkin' games and power partyin' are for spry youngins, which I haven't fell in that category in a long while. Mental clouds are still looming today, and I'm still trying to figger out why that was ever "fun"...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Coffee Terrorist - Memory lapse...

I needed brain fuel this mornin', so I stopped by to see Talib. I enjoy taunting him a little too much, maybe. Well he fought back today via my own stupidity.

I head back to the cooler for a Monster Java and said, "How's the coffee Talib?" "Ooh, very good n fresh sir." So, I put the can back and went for the hot stuff. I'll be damned if it wasn't the worst in our long history... The hell was I thinkin? I know he's just been waiting for me to slip. Perfecting his deadly recipe in hope I would return. I may actually die from the one or two drinks I choked down. Goodbye cruel world...

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Dose Shirts are in!

Wow! These turned out great! iPhone camera is not the best. They are loud mustard yellow on black, just like we wanted. Those that ordered shirts locally, I will be happy to deliver them or you can come to me. Those that are distant, I will have them in the mail shortly after the 1st of October.
I like to give credit, when credit is due. The folks at GandyInk did a fantastic job! From help with the artwork, to speedy turn around, and incredible customer service and response, Sarah Burnett and the rest of the team at GandyInk cannot be beat. Not even with a big damn stick... So the next time you need anything embroidered or printed, be sure to keep my friends at www.gandyink.com in mind.

And the EWP Award goes to...


Former President Jimmy Carter


Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy... Your opinions and politics sucked during your term, sir. What makes you think the American people give two shits what you think now? Especially since your outrageous claim that racism is at the heart of the vast disapproval of current political movements and controversy has as much backbone as a crawfish. Myself, I'd just assume toss you and your political propaganda into boiling water with taters and corn. Look buddy. I don't pretend or claim to be completely color blind, socially unbias, or even open minded to a whole lot of cultural diversity. In fact, I can be as prejudice as can anyone in some instances. Here is the problem with what you've said. Myself and a large number of my fellow Americans disapprove of so much more than President Obama's black half. Looks to me that there's an awful lot of old, all white congressmen and women causing me just as much pain. Truth is, President Obama, for me, isn't even the head on the proverbial boa constrictor that's strangling my nation. Actually, there are even a small number of President Obama's propositions that I'm all for and would back him on all the way as my president. He and the rest of the snake just gotta quit trying to turn my country inside out first....

Jimmy, your senseless finger-pointing did nothing other than distract the uninformed general public, feed the mass media monster, and fuel the fire lit under the asses of the genuinely concerned citizens of this country. You call me racist. I call you part of the problem. Now take your EWP and get the hell outta my site and ear...

Monday, September 21, 2009

I (heart) NYers!

A couple of New York hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

Friday, September 18, 2009

Heads up!

As my days in this office end their end, there's something y'all should know. I've no internet at home. So on days I don't come into town, where my aircard works, there will be no dose. Sad huh... I promise to make time for our fun on days that I can, and it won't be long before I'm back to the grind somewhere!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Minion count milestone!

There are now 450 Minions on the text list!

Also, my infamous father has joined us on the blog! I'm encouraging him to begin converting the entire staff of the VA Hospital / Waco. Welcome Dad!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The bitter end: #3 Bold ain't bulletproof

I stepped into the office this mornin' with an optimistic mind today. Was gonna get some real work done and be one step closer to out the door to whatever's next for me. Then I had to go into the clinic...

I needed a couple things outta one of my treatment rooms. I round the corner into my hallway to a couple new faces, my replacements. Didn't know it at the time, but by the time I made it into my room, I had it figured out. Everything of mine is laid in the floor and what was my space was fast filling with equipment from the outsource company brought in to do the job I just lost.

Ballsy huh? Bringing in the new before the old is gone... I spent the rest of my mornin' in my truck smoking cigarettes, trying to decide whether I could remain calm thru the rest of my obligations to my contract. It's this kind of cut throat, careless, heartless, holier than thou means of doing business that leads to "goin' postal".

I'd be lyin' if I said my mind hasn't rolled all kinds of wicked ideas around in the last three days. Lucky for those involved, I have a great support base and I'm realitively stable upstairs. I'd like nothing more right now than to show them that had it been a lesser person they fucked with, that their decisions/actions would/could have carried much heavier consequences.

The human lightning rod

I watched an interview this morning with a fella that's been struck by lightning four times! Needless to say the guy was a bit "special". No, wait, he was a walking talking bobblehead doll with a drooling issue. Now they said the first three times were by the age of 16... Where were the parents? If it were my kid, after strike two it's no longer a fluke, and I'd keep his electrically charged waterhead in the damn house less there's not a cloud in the sky!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

And the EWP Award goes to...


Kanye West

Let's give it up for him folks! He definately gets us started with a *BANG*... Pun intended.

For those of you that have missed it, Mr. West here is outta this world "proud to be black". Pride is one thing, but when you pull a public stunt that gets Beyonce Knowles goin', "What's this nigga doin'?" on camera, it's a whole other thing. Anyone see his most recent stunt on MTV's VMAs? The brotha stole the mic from a little ol' country white girl, Taylor Swift, during her thank you speech for Best Female Music Video, to let everyone know, "Beyonce had one of the greatest videos of all time!" I watched the youtube of it prolly ten times and still can't believe this fucker... Poor Taylor... Her ass just stood there in shock forever, like she had just seen her dog run the hell over. I remember him doing something similar to Michael Myers not too long ago... Someone should put a shock collar on this asshole, so everytime he gets near a microphone, *ZAP*. Some will say, "Then how will he record more music?" I gotta tell ya, my ears wouldn't give a damn...

So here you go Kanye, your award for being this week's Biggest Head with a Terrible $1000 Haircut



New to the Dose(Blog only). Check it

If you haven't noticed, I have a serious problem with wanting to pipebomb certain people. So much so that several minions have asked if I've made one, or even used one. Well the answer is sadly no. Well that ends today, metaphorically of course.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to present to you:

EyeReckn's Weekly Pipebomb Award!

As an avid follower of current events and news, I will hand pick one public figure or group to receive this honor each week. I will take any and all suggestions on who or what is deserving of this award from my followers. The winner will get not only the award, but a royal word thrashing for all to enjoy!

WooHoo!

Pipebomb Label

The question is:

If you were to label a pipebomb with a single thought or phrase for the "victim", what would it say?

"I hope this finds you busy with your life, or at least interrupts something terribly important. I would hate to think I went to all this trouble to simply blow your mind..." - Jed

"See you in Hell bitch!"- Cameron

"If you hold this to your ear, you can hear the good part" - Laney

"Bet you can't re-gift this" - Alan

"Warning - Contents may be HOT!" - Shannon

"Shit your pants - NOW!" - Becky

"This is me being a psycho bitch" - Mandy

"Warning - Bloating may occur" - Fletcher

"Pansy ass mommas boy" - Deitra

"You should've been a better person asshole" - Dean

"Shove this up your ass sideways" - CJ

"No need to thank me. This is a great gift for us both. It will put you outta our misery" - David

"If you hurry, you can get just far nuff away to bleed out slowly, rather than just the big boom" - Nate

"Boom" - Heather

"I'm really doing you a favor here" - Chris

"Could you mail this back when you are done?" - Kirk

"The ultimate painkiller" - Robin

"Just think, somewhere there will be a waterhead that goes, 'Look at the pretty lights" - Nick

"Running will just have you die tired" - Clint

"We drew straws for who got this, remember?" - Ben

"I won't expect this back, just like the rest of my shit you have" - Kim

"Start clickin' your heels. There's no place like home" - Hanna

"There's no beer in Hell" - Brad

"Muah! Kiss your ass goodbye... Sincerely, Erica" - Erica

"Told you I'd show you crazy muthafucka" - Crystal

T-shirts ordered!

It took longer than I had expected, but I've got the order together and submitted. I should have them in my hands sometime next week.

Thanks to everyone that ordered a shirt. Those that were interested, but we couldn't get together for one reason or another, sorry I'm not in a position to spot anyone. If you missed out this round, I can order more anytime so long as we have 12 to an order.

Monday, September 14, 2009

The bitter end: #2 Guilty dog syndrome

I've walked in and out of my office and lab, thru the clinic and to the front a number of times today. You can see in the faces of the general staff that they know something is wrong, but don't really know what. I've only crossed paths with one partner today and you could smell the fear and taste the tention in the clinic. The other two must be avoiding me like the black dead, cuz normally I would catch them in passing many times throughout the day. Can't say I blame the one. He is the one that when things started changing and power shifted, made a point to come tell me "how much he and the others wanted me to stay", and "how appreciated I was around the office". I feel like he was honest in those thoughts then, but was then railroaded by the other two into this ultimately ugly end to our relationship. Even in the meeting last week, when they announced their decision, he wouldn't look at me. Does that make him better or worse than the rest? Only time will tell, but for now, they can all continue to look away as I pass. There is a sick and twisted feeling of justice and self worth that runs up my spine to see the guilty dogs cowering into whatever paperwork or conversation they can find to hide their eyes from mine.

The bitter end: #1 Let the games begin

Some know, most don't, but my medical practice was officially terminated last Friday. My clinic has been under new ownership for about the last month, and the new partners have decided their best business move was to no longer continue to provide in house pedorthic treatment. "Nothing personal", they told me, as I was handed my contract release papers.

Feels personal. Feels like I was viewed as part of the old guard around here, and in that, some kind of threat to their new found riches. I feel as if I could never trust anyone that my only ties are business relations. I see more clearly the rational of those people who, in times past, have walked thru the offices of their would be betrayers with automatic weapons, as if that somehow levels the injustice they've recently been served. That's not my style or form of justice though. No, I'd much rather uphold my end of the deal by taking care of my patients and their needs until the closure date, Oct 9th. From that date, I will have fulfilled my end of my contract.

Later, when these corporate scumbags try to stiff this seemingly simple country boy they don't respect, I will have my justice served at the end of a courtroom gavel. I fully expect these people to try to wiggle out of any and all moneys due to me, and I am already preparing for such. I will have my proverbial pipebombs at the ready, to strategically place up each of their arrogant asses.

Stay tuned for more, as I'm sure this isn't the end, just the beginning of it...

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

POV #2: Get outta my bubble!

Anyone else have that person at work, in your extended family, or down the friend line that feels they must invade your space, inorder for you to pay attention...? I find it's always the one person you'd just assume not converse with anyway...

The one that hasn't had a decent bath since he fell in the creek bed back in Nam.

The hillbilly deluxe with yellow teeth that you can't stop staring at the tabacco chunk spackling.

The creepy little short woman that you can't help but picture her turning orange, and bobbing up and down while singing, "oompa, loompa, do-pu-di-do"...

The overly animated crack junkie that if she makes one more judo chop motion toward you, you're gonna see if her skinny ass fits in the paper shredder!

The two drunk buddies that get ya, one on each shoulder, and begin to talk, not to you, but thru you to the other one...

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

POV #1: The Yellow Mouth

You've met this person, at least once. You may still associate with one or more of them, and for that you are more kind than I could ever be.

Yes, I made up a term for them, and yes, it's seemingly obvious, but:

Yellow mouth by my definition: a person who's mouth is constantly writing checks their ass can't cash; one whom from over the internet, phone, text, etc is ten foot tall and bulletproof, but face up they couldn't be more gutless, shady, two-faced, or backstabbing; a label for a person that will shake your hand, hug you, and call you "friend", and yet the grapevipe whispers you a different story.

Many folks often confuse this person with the "Drama Queen/King" types, but they are not the same. Drama lovers typically have "Coward" or "Harmless" stamped on their forehead, as to not be in danger of someone handing them their ass on a silver platter should they ever take it too far... The yellow mouth has truly ill/cruel intentions, and they are much harder to spot/catch. Scum of the Earth is the person that will turn the knife they've placed in your back to ensure the bleeding continues long after they are gone. They are a disease that can and will infect your entire social circle if not treated.

Treatment options:

A. Public humiliation among your collective peers. Call them out, face up around a vast majority of your friends.

Expected reaction: Have you ever force fed someone crow? If they won't eat it to mend the wounds they've inflicted, they will tuck tail and run away. Either way, you and yours are cured.

B. The promise and follow thru of physical and mental pain, if they do not right their wrongs.

Expected reaction: This method is particularly painful either way, because, rather than one single serving of crow, they most likely now have several people to go to with the truth. Remembering they're yellow, don't count on ever seeing them again should they choose to tuck tail from this treatment. I know you wanted to trounce them, but oh well, you're cured of them.

C. Last, but certainly not least... The stratigicly placed pipebomb! If you're certain you and yours are better off without this person, and have no intention of trying to change them, blow the fucker up... Whether it be literal or proverbial, I leave to you.

Expected reaction:
Proverbial: You make a mess of them by blowing up on them verbially and/or physically, and they will remove themself from the group. Cured!
Literal: BOOM!

Know where you stand?

To be self-aware is quite liberating really. I've come to know that my belief system, or stances, scare the pants off most people. The woman I had coffee with this mornin', a complete stranger, walked speedily outta Starbucks in just her skibbies, after only a brief visit. So, unless there is great protest from my membership, I think I'll do a series this week - "EyeReckn's POV" I'll take suggestions on what real to life topics to touch on, and get to as many as I can during our shortened workweek.

If I lead, will you follow?

Howdy minions, readers, followers, and lurkers!

Do me a huge favor... If you're stopping by on a regular basis for your dose, become a follower, please! I'd like to know who my addicts are and see who's minds I'm twisting here, rather than just a hit count.

It only takes a minute. Go to the top of the blog page and click "Follow Blog". Simple sign in process that would just make my day!

Thanks,

EyeReckn

Friday, September 4, 2009

Best on Blogspot - Humour

http://bestonblogspot.blogspot.com/search/label/Humour

Attention minions and Daily Dose faithful:
I'm a rather late entry, but "EyeReckn's Daily Dose" is up for Best on Blogspot August/September!!!

So, go check out my competition's blogs, esp Yellowdog Granny (Jackie is a faithful follower of the Dose) and vote!

I'm not gonna tell ya I'm the best, or even the funniest of the lot, but if I don't get least 3rd place (all of 6 votes would take it right now), may you all get one hell of a case of crotch critterz...

More like "Lack of Labor Day"...

Anyone else think this coming Monday's title is somewhat misleading? Not sure bout you, but I have the day off. Hence "Lack of Labor Day"... Wouldn't matter if I wanted to say, do a little labor around the house to make the title credible... Whatever I need is prolly located in a place that ain't fuckin' open! Oh well, I'll let the name slide for sake of a three day bender and dove huntin', or whatever you do with it. Have a great weekend!

Down for the count...

Howdy minions! Miss me? Yeah I missed me too. "They" thought I needed a break and decided to give me 2.5 days of rest via high fever and sinus infection... Anywho, since I'll be slamming 3.5 days of clinic into one day, I'm not sure y'all will be getting a real Dose. We shall see. Mother Nature is whoopin' our ass in Cen-Tex, and the typical elderly don't do rain. So, my day my clear itself!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The drunk dial

Mine: Exactly how many Jack & Cokes does it take to propostion a perfect stranger from 110miles away?

It's bout 2:30am this last Sunday, I'm driving home from a day trip to a concert. When my cellphone rings at this time of nite, it's either someone in the hospital, the jail, or it's the infamous drunk dial. Caller ID says it's my friend Erica, the Daily Dose's unofficial secretary, only it's not Erica on the phone. It's her friend Victoria, a perfect stranger. Now Victoria has a problem, and Erica has evidently told her I could cure her and to give me a call. Victoria needs to get laid...and I can understand the problem, but why by the guy that lives nearly two hours away, I've not a clue. Do yourself a favor. Never try to explain to a drunken stranger exactly how far away you are from her you are when that's what they want from you...it just doesn't register. They will say things like, "Can I just talk to you til you get here?" or "Can you track this phone, cuz I'm no good with directions?" So I try to just hang up on her. You know, bad service, "$!#$% I can't hear you #$%#" and hang up. She calls back and calls me out on hanging up on her... Well sumbitch!... I entertain her for a few more minutes, tell her to call me back in 30-45mins and I'll tell her how close I am, and that was that... From the condition Victoria was in, not to mention Erica hollerin' in the background, they were out cold shortly after I got off the phone.

Mel: Is that me?

I'd been out drinkin' like a fish one night. Next mornin', I'm sitting around the breakfast table with Steve, who keeps playing back a voicemail he'd received the night before. I couldn't make out what the girl was saying, but it was loud! I asked him who left it. Apparently it was me from the night before calling him from like 5 feet away, asking where he'd run off too...

Erica: This is no request Mr. DJ!

Last weekend, I evidently called into the request line to The Ranch radio station, and made plans with the night DJ to run off to Mexico. He put our conversation on the radio! I'm f'in famous!

Shannon: "I don't even know this man!"

Got a latenight call from an ex at a bar. He wanted me to come up there and talk. He really missed me, blah blah blah... I told him, "No", but now I have Jim, the bar owner/manager, on the phone asking if I'm coming to pay this guy's remaining tab. "Hell no. I don't even know this man..." lol

Dean: "My emergency? I just want to change my service plan"

I once called 911 rather than 611 while hammered. Don't recall what I needed from AT&T, but it damn sure was no emergency...

Amanda: "Hunny, have you seen my...."

I got a 2fer!!! So after a good night of drinking which included my friends showing lots of boob and ass (it was her birthday) I somehow lost my phone. The next morning after waking up naked on the bathroom floor and having no idea where my clothes were I asked my very unhappy husband if he had seen them, "oh! And my phone too?" He replied no I don't know where ur phone is but I'm sure it's with ur missing jeans u left in last night. I called and checked my voicemail and could hear hysteical laughing between me and my friends. Apparently my phone was under the seat of my car the whole time and recorded a whole message of laughing, slurred conversation & cussing trying to find my phone. So once I found that, I asked my husband why he was so mad. It's not like he hadn't come home rip roaring drunk and peed in my underwear drawer before. I just lost my clothes! He then explained that he had received a call from a very intoxicated me the night before telling him I lost my phone. When he asked who's phone I was using, I replied, " I don't know! Some dudes!" I don't get to come out of my cage very often anymore...lol

Monday, August 31, 2009

The coffee terrorist nearly in tears

Little back ground for the newbies:
Since I started my medical practice in Waco, I have stopped in the same little Iranian run gas station every mornin' for coffee. The owner, Danny, makes great coffee and is just the nicest guy. Always made for the start of a good day when Danny was in the store and that's why I went there. Now Danny has a brother, Talib. Talib is not kind. In fact, he has those eyes that say, "I will set you a blaze right now, infidel!" when I would walk in the store. When Talib was working in the mornin', the coffee was horrible. Anthrax for powdered creamer? Cyanide in the sugar? Something he was doing different from Danny was trying to kill me. So I call Talib, "The Coffee Terrorist". We've had many a Dose inspired by Talib and his killer coffee.

Now on with the current events:

If you don't know, I had to swear off my mornin' coffee for my diet. So I haven't been in my favorite gas station in weeks, at least not in the mornin'. I pull in this mornin' cuz....well cuz it's a Monday mornin', extra early, I'm draggin' ass, and I need a jolt of "fake-ass morning person" in a cup! Guess who's workin'? Talib! I say to myself, "I'm not about to ruin my diet cheating moment with his sludge..." So I go back to the cooler and grab a Monster Java, cuz with that I at least know what I'm getting. I get to the counter and Talib says, "No real coffee today?" I reply, "Not today Talib... I gotta get this choked down fast and get to a meeting, and your coffee is too hot for that trick." He must have seen me pull in, ran to the coffee to throw every deadly thing he's got at me, and now I've ruined his evil plot to kill me with my new addiction, coffee in a can. I could almost hear the tears of defeat in his voice as he muttered his canned, "Have a pleasant day sir" at me, as I exited.

Friday, August 28, 2009

One line in the water at a time please!

You know, minions share odd things and stories with me all the time. I suppose most of the time it's just cuz I'm a good vent window, or that their experience may bleed over into a dose or inspire me. Most of them I get a good laugh myself and it ends there. Today I must pass one along, with my twist of course. No names to protect the not so innocent... I can't make shit this good up, I swear.

My buddy calls me up at lunch today. Says, "Jed man, I'm in deep shit..." He goes on to tell me how he'd been womanizing as usual, but this time, two of them are in the same damn sorority at Rice University. He'd been seeing one of them for a few weeks, but she'd only have him over to the "cat house" when her roomie was out. Well my man never will learn. He's out at Armadillo Palace with woman #2 last night. This one is obviously his backup plan, cuz woman #1 texts and says her roomie went out, come over. He makes an excuse to leave the bar, "See you later" and they part ways. He goes home for a few and heads to the cat house. Texts woman #1, "I'm on my way", she replies, "Well my roomie came back, so come up and get me, and we will go out or something." This is where it all hits the fan. My boy has no idea these two are in the same sorority. He gets up to woman #1's room, and guess who the roomie is... You got it! Woman #2! Once woman #2 spots him in the doorway she says, "What you do, stalk me home?" Now woman #1 wants to know how they know eachother. My buddy BOLTS! Problem is, they both know where he lives, and he owns the house... Not like he can pack and move... So he sleeps in his truck somewhere last night. Goes home this mornin' and his front door, mailbox, and the word "SLUT" written real big across the garage door all painted in hot fackin' pink! Serves him bout right, but this isn't in the ghetto. Oh no, he lives in Deer Park, aka high society Houston... Love you bud, but you sir are dumber than a box of rocks...

and I quote....

I'm in the post office this mornin', and this woman at the counter is yellin' at the clerk in a foreign language. Now, she's not mad, but obviously everyone in the room needed to here this nonsense... and I quote, "I'z done toll jew da I needz dis thur bu tumara! Nez day er it! Wudeva it take, do it puleaz!" Doesn't happen often, but I'm speechless.

Just think, some folks wonder where prejudice comes from...

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The painfully obvious funny list

We haven't had much interactive Dose as of late, but my schedule is light and I'm feeling the funny today.

You know those in your face dirty, ironic, shorts that make you laugh til it hurts funny things that we all know? Well let's get a few favorites out to share. I'll post them all this afternoon.

I kick us off with:

Kermit the frog could not be Jewish, and if so, he's going to hell for eating Ms Piggy. ~Jed

Looks like no one else wanted to play along today...

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Someone is twisting my own web, and it brought on a most interesting topic

I was talking with a new referral, minion #436, about today's rant, which was her first Dose ever. I've no idea who she is or who referred her to our, no longer little, cult. Just that she has a local area code and her code name is "Lucky".

My day is moderately slow, so I curiously continue conversation with "Lucky". I've so far concluded that either it is a woman one of you local match makers gave my number to, or one of my buddies idea of cruel and unusual punishment, and it's a guy one of you work with, or worst case it's a trap...

Either way, this conversation has gone far beyond the normal complete stranger questions like, "Where do you come up with this shit?" and "Wow, what's wrong with you?"... Lucky asks me, "What one word best describes you and/or your charater as a whole?"

After hours of "WTF?s" and careful thought, I decide to respond. "Intense". Nothing more, nothing less, just that word. Must have thrown her/him/it for a loop, cuz that was before 2pm, and it's now 4:15pm.

The question itself got me to thinkin' though, and you know what happens when that goes down...

I can put the word "intense" in every self-aware sentence I can write about me, and it not only be true, but it properly describes me in better detail than without it. I've spent a vast majority of my afternoon trying to come up with another word that can do that, and have come up empty.

I mean, there are only so many things that anyone knows about themself with absolute certainty. Makes me wonder, if anyone else has "that one word" figured out? How many people do I have to share my word with? Does the fact that I always find myself intensely thinkin' over every subject, topic, choice, move, and decision I ever make only make me think this is my word? Am I wrong about my word? Will this novel haunt not only my dreams, but the dreams of those souls that have made it this far without having a nuclear explosion of the brain?

Do you have that one word? Did you enjoy this, or are you searching for a handgun to put me or yourself outta your misery? Leave me a comment

Who's "The Man"?

Woman shows up late for an appointment today. Says, "Sorry, I got held up by the man", meaning what? Her husband had to do his make-up, she got pulled over by a policeman, Obama came by to audit her and up her taxes, or did Jesus stopped in to warn her of his second coming? Why can't people just leave blame where it usually belongs? It's her fault she was late regardless... Shoulda been like, "Jesus, I hate to run, but the foot man is gonna be pissed if I'm late again!"

*ATTN* T-shirt buyers

Email me your size/sizes and the address to which you want them shipped, by this Friday, to eyerecknsdailydose@gmail.com. If you are local, I will make arrangements to get your $, if you're far, I will email you the proper address to mail me a check. Sorry, I can't afford to front anyone's order. Wish I could. Thx

S-XL = $12
XXL, XXXL = $14

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Oh good Lawd!

You know that long wait at the metal detector at the airport? I had coffee with the "hold-up" this mornin.

Shit you not, this fella had nuff metal stabbed thru his face that I could melt it down into an engine block! Looked like he pissed off a room fulla old women sewing, and they trounced his ass, double fisting pin-cushions!

To each there own, but I really wanna be inside the mind that wakes up and says, "I'm going for the look of an abused voodoo doll!" WOW!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Theme song day

I truly am losing my mind y'all. I've seen three people just outright bust their ass today. LMAO Each time I caught myself about to bust out the drum solo and yell "Wah-wah-wah-wipe-out!" Ever had a day with a theme song? Sure hopin' it's not a sign that I'm gonna hurt myself today... How come I can't get a theme song like "NIN - Closer"? If you don't know the song, GOOGLE that shit, so you'll get my joke!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I'll make the cake, but you go ahead and eat it!

I'm in the store last night, still in my shirt and tie from work. I've got my things added up to the top dollar I can spend, tax included, and it ain't much. Flipside of this coin, the two people in front of me have two baskets of shit. Swipe of the LoneStar card, foodstamps for you outta staters, and they had $23.02 not covered. It's was the BEER! The tie I have to wear to work to make a living for me and for these two fucks cost more than the things in my basket! I couldn't help myself and commented to the checkout lady, "Hope they choke on all that food I'm paying for, while I'm drinking my knockoff slim-fast and eating my off-brand granola bar in the mornin'." Something tells me I'm paying for checker girl's food too... She didn't laugh at all. I know that she heard me, and that shit is funny in the worst of ways...

Monday, August 17, 2009

Family: Can't live with'em, can't kill'em

Here's the thing y'all. Family members are put in your life against your will, til you start producing them, and from the moment of introduction, they start trying to impose their will on you. You read about the results all the time. 'Teen guns down parents over lawnwork', 'Wife runs over cheating husband seven times'. Look! Family or not, everyone has a fuse. It's lit the moment you meet. So don't go "speeding the burn". You might find they'll blow your ass up over burnt toast.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Could you please pass me a life?

A small number of Daily Dose members are folks I've never met, talked to, and few have ever chimed in on a topic. Well today I got a seemingly odd message from a nearly year old member, one of these "referrals" if you will, telling me, "You need a life, or you should shoot yourself. Anyone with nothing better to do than write usless, meaningless texts to hundreds of people everyday has to be the most pathetic human on earth. Take me off your list."

So I sent Becca, the friend of mine that referred this muthafucka, a message asking "WTF?" She says, "Hell, we worked together back then and he thought you were funny then. I don't know him aside from that, but I have his email and his mailing address."

Ooo let the games begin. I haven't quite decided what I'm gonna mail him, but it's gonna be good. If UPS was even remotely reliable, it would be a pipe-bomb on a timer...but they're as bad as Obamanomic. So I will have to get creative. Wish it was his work address. Government job that scans your mail. Big suprise that this fucker just received a can of compressed air, 3 feet of 1" surgical tubing, Astroglide, and three hampsters! (You'll need a shower after you figure that out)

I'll keep you posted as to what I come up with, and now that I've posted this, it's gonna happen.

Greener grass anyone?

Ever seen a horse with a cut on its neck? Typical cause, barb-wire. Goin' for that proverbial greener grass. Not so unlike people I've known. Neck out, chasin' after better, sexier, younger, richer, wilder, and most of the time there's someone waiting at home. Why not? Cuz you're not suppose to be a heartless sumbitch your whole life, or so "they" tell me.

Speakin' of "they". If you see 'em, tell 'em to watch out. "They" keep givin' shitty advise and I'm gunnin' for 'em.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

EyeReckn the Home-wrecker!

Did you know that the Dose and I are home-wreckers?

I get a call at like 7:15 this mornin' from my friend Beth's home phone. Thing is, it ain't Beth. It's her new husband, which I haven't met cuz they live in bumfuk Kansas. He says, "Who the hell is this, and why is my wife getting hundreds of texts from you?" Well I spent all of 5 seconds trying to explain, stopped and said, "Here, let me call her right quick before she gets to her office this morning, and I'll have her call you back to explain our relationship." *click*

They've been married all of three months, so I'm betting that didn't sit well.

BTW: I have Beth's graces to dose this, and she has already gone nuclear on him. Beth darlin, I'm not possitive, but I don't think this is a great start for ya'll... Love ya ;-)

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Feel special!...Not short bus special, but special

So I've come up with an evil plan to give my blog readers more than those minions that only check the Daily Dose text messages.

Those of you that are on here are gonna get extra metaphorical pills to pop when I feel like dishing out more than the standard Dose. Sure y'all will be label as drug abusers, but who cares? I'm the doctor that doesn't give a damn if you're high as a kite 24/7!

So check in often, cuz you never no what you'll get outta me. Feel special!

Why "Going Postal"?(Minion opinion Top 5)

So I was thinkin', imagine that. Why must it be "goin' postal" when someone loses it at work? There are way worse jobs out there... So tell me, what job is most likely to send someone into an assault rifle rage at work and why.

Since this is a first for the blog readers, here's how this works:
Minions that receive The Dose via text submit answers or ideas related to the topic. I then pick out the best, or more so the best of the worst, and make a short list of five good ones for everyone to read. Interactive mind twisting if you will. I seldom leave an entry alone. Nearly always add my little piece to it. Some minions take credit for what they submit, some want to remain nameless, but it's a great way to get everyone involved!

5. School bus driver: Yeah, yeah... Everyone says, "Oh I just love children!" Sure... Just wait til you are DRIVING 30-50 5-16 year old little sumbitches for pennies. You wouldn't do the kid, but the bus bully's mother is getting run over curbside when she is waiting on her little angel! - Andy

4. With in-house family: This will piss you off regardless of position. Everyday you're gonna wake up to your boss, your secretary, your assistant, your partner, your pee-on, or your co-worker. Then work a full day with them and maybe even carpool to and from the job. Fights at work, fights at home spill over into the dinner table, and next thing you know, you are pistol whippin' your loved one in their sleep! - Crystal

3. Telemarketer: Your job consists of ruining the family dinner, interrupting international calls that are costing $4.00 a minute, and generally pissing off anyone that dares to answer their calls without screening them. Then you get the bored guy. Keeps you on the phone with detail questions for hours, just to tell you to go to hell. Now, you've smash your monitor over the head of the person in the next cubical and are beating your boss with a keyboard followed by a mouse cord strangling! - Several minds mixed together with the same type job.

2. Nurse/Medical staff: From the time you get there, til the time you leave, you're metaphorically and literally shit on. Nothing is good nuff for the patients, doctors, or other staff. You've had your fill... Give yourself an adrenaline shot strong nuff to bring Elvis and Tupac back and rush the ER floor wielding a scalpel in one hand, and the fire ax in the other! - Amber and a host of others that know this to be true

1. Highway construction flagman: You are the most hated human being on the face of the Earth for thousands of people everyday. Honking, screaming, and yelling by everyone who just had to call the boss with yet another lame excuse for being late. The foreman that put you in that position is about to test his flight capablities off the upper most level of this mix-master you WERE building! - To remain unknown

Little side note from a ballzy friend: "It's not the job alone that does it... I would bet there is a woman somehow involved" - Not a chance in hell I'll tell you who said that, cuz he wouldn't last the night

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Sport the Dose!

If you haven't heard, the t-shirts are in the works! I should have a per unit price breakdown by day's end. Those that want a shirt/shirts, I will be doing these by pre-order only. Since I'm so independently wealthy, the shirts will be sold at cost, and since you'll be sporting my name, blog, and hopefully converting thousands of people to minions, the shipping is on me. Stay tuned for bigger, better details.

Above is the back of the T-shirt. No, I won't put your name instead of MINION. Your ass belongs to me and you are all my minions, one in the same. Besides, the sex offenders of the world love when the kiddies have name tags... Really, I'm doing you a favor.
This is going to be the front logo on the T-shirts, placed top-left as a pocket patch.
Because the fate of a website is unknown, there will be no URL on the shirts. This means if someone asks you about it, since the shirt is awesome and eye-catching, you'll be in charge of pointing them in our direction.
Many thanks to the minions that have been so involved for so long that the masses want friggin' shirts! That my friends is just a great feeling. Next, a party! Then, our island!

Could I interest you in a sandwich?

So, I got my ass back in the gym yesterday!

Ever seen the women on the cardio equipment in a gym that are like 2 lbs over a holocaust victim? These people need to be seated at the Golden Corral trying to get fork to face as fast as those toothpick legs are goin' on that treadmill! It's just not attractive.

Oh, and they stare at my big ass too. "Don't judge me bitch! I will tie your tiny ass up and force feed you melted lard through a tube! And you, roid-ragin' meat head, you're next, cuz all that muscule won't stop the .45JHP bullet with your name on it outside, dickhead... Oh by the way, your package is shrinkin' ;-)"

Monday, August 10, 2009

Get involved in what matters!

Earlier I'm watching this interview with a PETA spokeswoman. They had asked her thoughts on the specialty foods made with "young/baby animals" like veil and lamb. She said it was like the of slaughtering of her own three children and selling them off to canibals.

I've a whole host of problems with people like this, but just for this one dumbass:

1. No one shoulda let you reproduce, much less three times.

2. I bet you she eats baby carrots without blinking. They've got growing left to do and have the same lack of a soul and same IQ as my "steak on the hoof".

3. I think anyone that dumb should be made "Operation Homeland Housecleaning". Send them overseas and just march them shoulder to shoulder across Iraq, Iran, wherever we all are, and play human shield for our troops that would kill for a can of SPAM!

Moral of the story: Get active in something that matters!

Have a great week!

Friday, August 7, 2009

I pimp out my friends! Check it ladies!

Myself and every man walking with more than 2 cents rollin' around between their ears knows you women do enjoy a good man-bashing session with your girlfriends. So ladies, go check out a couple great friends of mine and their she-woman, man-eater entertainment at www.manbashing101.blogspot.com

Hell, guys, it's not a bad place to do some recon of what not to do's. I've read every one of them and feel a mixture of enlightenment and fear for my safety as a man.

Gimme food for thought they say!

After my insightful look into the world of relationship woohoos and woohs yesterday, I got prolly the largest number of responses ever in our 2 year history. Most felt somehow enlightened or more entertained than usual.

My closest friend, who doesn't often chime in, says to me, "That's the kinda stuff your dose needs to get back to, like it started." I got a lot of replies like that one.

It brings to question, "What do my minions want outta their dose?" I'm not feeding y'all canned answers. No A, B, C, or Ds this time. Just tell me what you prefer.

It's always going to be random, and it's always going to be laughable, but I don't mind investing a little extra brain power to make it more than just a laugh more often than not if that's what y'all want.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Relationship stages and your ride

Take casual dating for starters. Y'all get together on occation. Dinner, maybe a movie, nothing too serious. Like a mo-ped if you will. It's cool to ride, you just don't show your friends.

Then you move to hangin' out for longer stretchs. It's like you rented a sportscar for the weekend. You think "Hey, I like this one. Let's see if anyone thinks I should buy it." Invite 'em to a social thing around a few friends, maybe dinner with the folks.

Now you're together, a couple. You bought the car, the ride is awesome and you show it off to everyone! Life seems good and you drive the hell outta it til one of ya is outta gas!

Ahh shit, now you've traded your muscle car for a minivan. You married 'em. Your not nearly as cool as you were and you seldom drive or even ride in it.

Well, here ya are, a few too many miles and rough roads, shit starts to break, and you still owe money on the damn thing. They leave your ass. The big D! Here comes the repo man. Yeah, it was a minivan, but it was your minivan dammit!

Now your paying for someone else's ride!

Life's relationships are a real sumbitch, til ya buy the right ride!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

How looney do you think I am?

Could it be that I need professional help? At least once a week, someone tells me "you need help" or some variation of that statement. See, I thought this was not only my therapy, but yallz as well. So here's your chance to tell me exactly what you think. I know I'm off my damn rocker, but I'll let the masses speak. No holds barred honesty please

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Make me wanna slap yo momma

Anyone mind if I break out my prejudice bone today and beat the hell outta the youth of America, that their momma never told them how to dress? No? Good!

First, stop stealin' pantyhose from grandma and putting it on your head. If you don't want your weave gettin' outta control, get a damn haircut!

Second, buy or steal pants that fit! If you can't, a belt, a rope, a fucking ziptie would do us all a huge favor. I didn't get up this mornin wanting to see your UNDERSHORTS! Plus then you won't have to walk like someone just dropkicked you in the knee, just to keep them above mid thigh. Pull up your pants!

Lastly, just cuz this is all I got from one ghetto fab mutha I saw while gettin' coffee, learn to tie your shoes brotha! Those fancy ass, all white K-Swiss came with laces for a reason dumbshit!

If you really want to advertize, "Hey, I'm the one in which ill opinions of my race are formed around", it would be so much more simple to just hang a sign round your ignorant ass neck! Hell, I'll even paint it and bedazzle the shit outta it for ya. Bling-Bling right?

Monday, August 3, 2009

What is The Dose?

For those inquiring, fresh, untainted minds, there is no real explaination of what happens here. Back in 2007, I was bored at the office one day and decided to see if any of my friends would be interested in getting a little piece of my twisted humor or POV on weekdays. The response was huge. I think we started with about 30-40 members, minions, and it has grown and grown to the point I can no longer send it via text and email alone. Currently just over 400 followers in this here "cult" of sorts.

Things you can expect here are:
Random things I witness or do that spawn an interesting thought or laughable comment.
Topics in which minions are encouraged to comment on or tell on themselves about.
My own opinions on public affairs, politics, stupid people, random thoughts.
Rants and raves on everything under the sun, or the moon if it's dark when I think of it.

This is why we now have a blog as well. It's going to make the interaction between my minions more open and fun, I hope. So if you enjoy a good laugh, an eye opening opinion, or just like to cut up over seemingly strange or stupid subjects, this is the place for you!

Welcome to The Dose

Friday, July 31, 2009

Minions Check-in

Howdy minions!

Simply drop a comment line to let me know you've made it. Also, throw in any comments or stories about what your daily dose has done for you.

It will be August 10th, 2009 before I begin to post the Dose here, but please, feel free to tell anyone and everyone you know that we have arrived. All are welcome and encouraged to participate!