The coffee terrorist nearly in tears

Little back ground for the newbies:
Since I started my medical practice in Waco, I have stopped in the same little Iranian run gas station every mornin' for coffee. The owner, Danny, makes great coffee and is just the nicest guy. Always made for the start of a good day when Danny was in the store and that's why I went there. Now Danny has a brother, Talib. Talib is not kind. In fact, he has those eyes that say, "I will set you a blaze right now, infidel!" when I would walk in the store. When Talib was working in the mornin', the coffee was horrible. Anthrax for powdered creamer? Cyanide in the sugar? Something he was doing different from Danny was trying to kill me. So I call Talib, "The Coffee Terrorist". We've had many a Dose inspired by Talib and his killer coffee.

Now on with the current events:

If you don't know, I had to swear off my mornin' coffee for my diet. So I haven't been in my favorite gas station in weeks, at least not in the mornin'. I pull in this mornin' cuz....well cuz it's a Monday mornin', extra early, I'm draggin' ass, and I need a jolt of "fake-ass morning person" in a cup! Guess who's workin'? Talib! I say to myself, "I'm not about to ruin my diet cheating moment with his sludge..." So I go back to the cooler and grab a Monster Java, cuz with that I at least know what I'm getting. I get to the counter and Talib says, "No real coffee today?" I reply, "Not today Talib... I gotta get this choked down fast and get to a meeting, and your coffee is too hot for that trick." He must have seen me pull in, ran to the coffee to throw every deadly thing he's got at me, and now I've ruined his evil plot to kill me with my new addiction, coffee in a can. I could almost hear the tears of defeat in his voice as he muttered his canned, "Have a pleasant day sir" at me, as I exited.

One line in the water at a time please!

You know, minions share odd things and stories with me all the time. I suppose most of the time it's just cuz I'm a good vent window, or that their experience may bleed over into a dose or inspire me. Most of them I get a good laugh myself and it ends there. Today I must pass one along, with my twist of course. No names to protect the not so innocent... I can't make shit this good up, I swear.

My buddy calls me up at lunch today. Says, "Jed man, I'm in deep shit..." He goes on to tell me how he'd been womanizing as usual, but this time, two of them are in the same damn sorority at Rice University. He'd been seeing one of them for a few weeks, but she'd only have him over to the "cat house" when her roomie was out. Well my man never will learn. He's out at Armadillo Palace with woman #2 last night. This one is obviously his backup plan, cuz woman #1 texts and says her roomie went out, come over. He makes an excuse to leave the bar, "See you later" and they part ways. He goes home for a few and heads to the cat house. Texts woman #1, "I'm on my way", she replies, "Well my roomie came back, so come up and get me, and we will go out or something." This is where it all hits the fan. My boy has no idea these two are in the same sorority. He gets up to woman #1's room, and guess who the roomie is... You got it! Woman #2! Once woman #2 spots him in the doorway she says, "What you do, stalk me home?" Now woman #1 wants to know how they know eachother. My buddy BOLTS! Problem is, they both know where he lives, and he owns the house... Not like he can pack and move... So he sleeps in his truck somewhere last night. Goes home this mornin' and his front door, mailbox, and the word "SLUT" written real big across the garage door all painted in hot fackin' pink! Serves him bout right, but this isn't in the ghetto. Oh no, he lives in Deer Park, aka high society Houston... Love you bud, but you sir are dumber than a box of rocks...

and I quote....

I'm in the post office this mornin', and this woman at the counter is yellin' at the clerk in a foreign language. Now, she's not mad, but obviously everyone in the room needed to here this nonsense... and I quote, "I'z done toll jew da I needz dis thur bu tumara! Nez day er it! Wudeva it take, do it puleaz!" Doesn't happen often, but I'm speechless.

Just think, some folks wonder where prejudice comes from...

The painfully obvious funny list

We haven't had much interactive Dose as of late, but my schedule is light and I'm feeling the funny today.

You know those in your face dirty, ironic, shorts that make you laugh til it hurts funny things that we all know? Well let's get a few favorites out to share. I'll post them all this afternoon.

I kick us off with:

Kermit the frog could not be Jewish, and if so, he's going to hell for eating Ms Piggy. ~Jed

Looks like no one else wanted to play along today...

Someone is twisting my own web, and it brought on a most interesting topic

I was talking with a new referral, minion #436, about today's rant, which was her first Dose ever. I've no idea who she is or who referred her to our, no longer little, cult. Just that she has a local area code and her code name is "Lucky".

My day is moderately slow, so I curiously continue conversation with "Lucky". I've so far concluded that either it is a woman one of you local match makers gave my number to, or one of my buddies idea of cruel and unusual punishment, and it's a guy one of you work with, or worst case it's a trap...

Either way, this conversation has gone far beyond the normal complete stranger questions like, "Where do you come up with this shit?" and "Wow, what's wrong with you?"... Lucky asks me, "What one word best describes you and/or your charater as a whole?"

After hours of "WTF?s" and careful thought, I decide to respond. "Intense". Nothing more, nothing less, just that word. Must have thrown her/him/it for a loop, cuz that was before 2pm, and it's now 4:15pm.

The question itself got me to thinkin' though, and you know what happens when that goes down...

I can put the word "intense" in every self-aware sentence I can write about me, and it not only be true, but it properly describes me in better detail than without it. I've spent a vast majority of my afternoon trying to come up with another word that can do that, and have come up empty.

I mean, there are only so many things that anyone knows about themself with absolute certainty. Makes me wonder, if anyone else has "that one word" figured out? How many people do I have to share my word with? Does the fact that I always find myself intensely thinkin' over every subject, topic, choice, move, and decision I ever make only make me think this is my word? Am I wrong about my word? Will this novel haunt not only my dreams, but the dreams of those souls that have made it this far without having a nuclear explosion of the brain?

Do you have that one word? Did you enjoy this, or are you searching for a handgun to put me or yourself outta your misery? Leave me a comment

Who's "The Man"?

Woman shows up late for an appointment today. Says, "Sorry, I got held up by the man", meaning what? Her husband had to do his make-up, she got pulled over by a policeman, Obama came by to audit her and up her taxes, or did Jesus stopped in to warn her of his second coming? Why can't people just leave blame where it usually belongs? It's her fault she was late regardless... Shoulda been like, "Jesus, I hate to run, but the foot man is gonna be pissed if I'm late again!"

*ATTN* T-shirt buyers

Email me your size/sizes and the address to which you want them shipped, by this Friday, to eyerecknsdailydose@gmail.com. If you are local, I will make arrangements to get your $, if you're far, I will email you the proper address to mail me a check. Sorry, I can't afford to front anyone's order. Wish I could. Thx

S-XL = $12
XXL, XXXL = $14

Oh good Lawd!

You know that long wait at the metal detector at the airport? I had coffee with the "hold-up" this mornin.

Shit you not, this fella had nuff metal stabbed thru his face that I could melt it down into an engine block! Looked like he pissed off a room fulla old women sewing, and they trounced his ass, double fisting pin-cushions!

To each there own, but I really wanna be inside the mind that wakes up and says, "I'm going for the look of an abused voodoo doll!" WOW!

Theme song day

I truly am losing my mind y'all. I've seen three people just outright bust their ass today. LMAO Each time I caught myself about to bust out the drum solo and yell "Wah-wah-wah-wipe-out!" Ever had a day with a theme song? Sure hopin' it's not a sign that I'm gonna hurt myself today... How come I can't get a theme song like "NIN - Closer"? If you don't know the song, GOOGLE that shit, so you'll get my joke!

I'll make the cake, but you go ahead and eat it!

I'm in the store last night, still in my shirt and tie from work. I've got my things added up to the top dollar I can spend, tax included, and it ain't much. Flipside of this coin, the two people in front of me have two baskets of shit. Swipe of the LoneStar card, foodstamps for you outta staters, and they had $23.02 not covered. It's was the BEER! The tie I have to wear to work to make a living for me and for these two fucks cost more than the things in my basket! I couldn't help myself and commented to the checkout lady, "Hope they choke on all that food I'm paying for, while I'm drinking my knockoff slim-fast and eating my off-brand granola bar in the mornin'." Something tells me I'm paying for checker girl's food too... She didn't laugh at all. I know that she heard me, and that shit is funny in the worst of ways...

Family: Can't live with'em, can't kill'em

Here's the thing y'all. Family members are put in your life against your will, til you start producing them, and from the moment of introduction, they start trying to impose their will on you. You read about the results all the time. 'Teen guns down parents over lawnwork', 'Wife runs over cheating husband seven times'. Look! Family or not, everyone has a fuse. It's lit the moment you meet. So don't go "speeding the burn". You might find they'll blow your ass up over burnt toast.

Could you please pass me a life?

A small number of Daily Dose members are folks I've never met, talked to, and few have ever chimed in on a topic. Well today I got a seemingly odd message from a nearly year old member, one of these "referrals" if you will, telling me, "You need a life, or you should shoot yourself. Anyone with nothing better to do than write usless, meaningless texts to hundreds of people everyday has to be the most pathetic human on earth. Take me off your list."

So I sent Becca, the friend of mine that referred this muthafucka, a message asking "WTF?" She says, "Hell, we worked together back then and he thought you were funny then. I don't know him aside from that, but I have his email and his mailing address."

Ooo let the games begin. I haven't quite decided what I'm gonna mail him, but it's gonna be good. If UPS was even remotely reliable, it would be a pipe-bomb on a timer...but they're as bad as Obamanomic. So I will have to get creative. Wish it was his work address. Government job that scans your mail. Big suprise that this fucker just received a can of compressed air, 3 feet of 1" surgical tubing, Astroglide, and three hampsters! (You'll need a shower after you figure that out)

I'll keep you posted as to what I come up with, and now that I've posted this, it's gonna happen.

Greener grass anyone?

Ever seen a horse with a cut on its neck? Typical cause, barb-wire. Goin' for that proverbial greener grass. Not so unlike people I've known. Neck out, chasin' after better, sexier, younger, richer, wilder, and most of the time there's someone waiting at home. Why not? Cuz you're not suppose to be a heartless sumbitch your whole life, or so "they" tell me.

Speakin' of "they". If you see 'em, tell 'em to watch out. "They" keep givin' shitty advise and I'm gunnin' for 'em.

EyeReckn the Home-wrecker!

Did you know that the Dose and I are home-wreckers?

I get a call at like 7:15 this mornin' from my friend Beth's home phone. Thing is, it ain't Beth. It's her new husband, which I haven't met cuz they live in bumfuk Kansas. He says, "Who the hell is this, and why is my wife getting hundreds of texts from you?" Well I spent all of 5 seconds trying to explain, stopped and said, "Here, let me call her right quick before she gets to her office this morning, and I'll have her call you back to explain our relationship." *click*

They've been married all of three months, so I'm betting that didn't sit well.

BTW: I have Beth's graces to dose this, and she has already gone nuclear on him. Beth darlin, I'm not possitive, but I don't think this is a great start for ya'll... Love ya ;-)

Feel special!...Not short bus special, but special

So I've come up with an evil plan to give my blog readers more than those minions that only check the Daily Dose text messages.

Those of you that are on here are gonna get extra metaphorical pills to pop when I feel like dishing out more than the standard Dose. Sure y'all will be label as drug abusers, but who cares? I'm the doctor that doesn't give a damn if you're high as a kite 24/7!

So check in often, cuz you never no what you'll get outta me. Feel special!

Why "Going Postal"?(Minion opinion Top 5)

So I was thinkin', imagine that. Why must it be "goin' postal" when someone loses it at work? There are way worse jobs out there... So tell me, what job is most likely to send someone into an assault rifle rage at work and why.

Since this is a first for the blog readers, here's how this works:
Minions that receive The Dose via text submit answers or ideas related to the topic. I then pick out the best, or more so the best of the worst, and make a short list of five good ones for everyone to read. Interactive mind twisting if you will. I seldom leave an entry alone. Nearly always add my little piece to it. Some minions take credit for what they submit, some want to remain nameless, but it's a great way to get everyone involved!

5. School bus driver: Yeah, yeah... Everyone says, "Oh I just love children!" Sure... Just wait til you are DRIVING 30-50 5-16 year old little sumbitches for pennies. You wouldn't do the kid, but the bus bully's mother is getting run over curbside when she is waiting on her little angel! - Andy

4. With in-house family: This will piss you off regardless of position. Everyday you're gonna wake up to your boss, your secretary, your assistant, your partner, your pee-on, or your co-worker. Then work a full day with them and maybe even carpool to and from the job. Fights at work, fights at home spill over into the dinner table, and next thing you know, you are pistol whippin' your loved one in their sleep! - Crystal

3. Telemarketer: Your job consists of ruining the family dinner, interrupting international calls that are costing $4.00 a minute, and generally pissing off anyone that dares to answer their calls without screening them. Then you get the bored guy. Keeps you on the phone with detail questions for hours, just to tell you to go to hell. Now, you've smash your monitor over the head of the person in the next cubical and are beating your boss with a keyboard followed by a mouse cord strangling! - Several minds mixed together with the same type job.

2. Nurse/Medical staff: From the time you get there, til the time you leave, you're metaphorically and literally shit on. Nothing is good nuff for the patients, doctors, or other staff. You've had your fill... Give yourself an adrenaline shot strong nuff to bring Elvis and Tupac back and rush the ER floor wielding a scalpel in one hand, and the fire ax in the other! - Amber and a host of others that know this to be true

1. Highway construction flagman: You are the most hated human being on the face of the Earth for thousands of people everyday. Honking, screaming, and yelling by everyone who just had to call the boss with yet another lame excuse for being late. The foreman that put you in that position is about to test his flight capablities off the upper most level of this mix-master you WERE building! - To remain unknown

Little side note from a ballzy friend: "It's not the job alone that does it... I would bet there is a woman somehow involved" - Not a chance in hell I'll tell you who said that, cuz he wouldn't last the night

Sport the Dose!

If you haven't heard, the t-shirts are in the works! I should have a per unit price breakdown by day's end. Those that want a shirt/shirts, I will be doing these by pre-order only. Since I'm so independently wealthy, the shirts will be sold at cost, and since you'll be sporting my name, blog, and hopefully converting thousands of people to minions, the shipping is on me. Stay tuned for bigger, better details.

Above is the back of the T-shirt. No, I won't put your name instead of MINION. Your ass belongs to me and you are all my minions, one in the same. Besides, the sex offenders of the world love when the kiddies have name tags... Really, I'm doing you a favor.

This is going to be the front logo on the T-shirts, placed top-left as a pocket patch.

Because the fate of a website is unknown, there will be no URL on the shirts. This means if someone asks you about it, since the shirt is awesome and eye-catching, you'll be in charge of pointing them in our direction.

Many thanks to the minions that have been so involved for so long that the masses want friggin' shirts! That my friends is just a great feeling. Next, a party! Then, our island!

Could I interest you in a sandwich?

So, I got my ass back in the gym yesterday!

Ever seen the women on the cardio equipment in a gym that are like 2 lbs over a holocaust victim? These people need to be seated at the Golden Corral trying to get fork to face as fast as those toothpick legs are goin' on that treadmill! It's just not attractive.

Oh, and they stare at my big ass too. "Don't judge me bitch! I will tie your tiny ass up and force feed you melted lard through a tube! And you, roid-ragin' meat head, you're next, cuz all that muscule won't stop the .45JHP bullet with your name on it outside, dickhead... Oh by the way, your package is shrinkin' ;-)"

Get involved in what matters!

Earlier I'm watching this interview with a PETA spokeswoman. They had asked her thoughts on the specialty foods made with "young/baby animals" like veil and lamb. She said it was like the of slaughtering of her own three children and selling them off to canibals.

I've a whole host of problems with people like this, but just for this one dumbass:

1. No one shoulda let you reproduce, much less three times.

2. I bet you she eats baby carrots without blinking. They've got growing left to do and have the same lack of a soul and same IQ as my "steak on the hoof".

3. I think anyone that dumb should be made "Operation Homeland Housecleaning". Send them overseas and just march them shoulder to shoulder across Iraq, Iran, wherever we all are, and play human shield for our troops that would kill for a can of SPAM!

Moral of the story: Get active in something that matters!

Have a great week!

I pimp out my friends! Check it ladies!

Myself and every man walking with more than 2 cents rollin' around between their ears knows you women do enjoy a good man-bashing session with your girlfriends. So ladies, go check out a couple great friends of mine and their she-woman, man-eater entertainment at www.manbashing101.blogspot.com

Hell, guys, it's not a bad place to do some recon of what not to do's. I've read every one of them and feel a mixture of enlightenment and fear for my safety as a man.

Gimme food for thought they say!

After my insightful look into the world of relationship woohoos and woohs yesterday, I got prolly the largest number of responses ever in our 2 year history. Most felt somehow enlightened or more entertained than usual.

My closest friend, who doesn't often chime in, says to me, "That's the kinda stuff your dose needs to get back to, like it started." I got a lot of replies like that one.

It brings to question, "What do my minions want outta their dose?" I'm not feeding y'all canned answers. No A, B, C, or Ds this time. Just tell me what you prefer.

It's always going to be random, and it's always going to be laughable, but I don't mind investing a little extra brain power to make it more than just a laugh more often than not if that's what y'all want.

Relationship stages and your ride

Take casual dating for starters. Y'all get together on occation. Dinner, maybe a movie, nothing too serious. Like a mo-ped if you will. It's cool to ride, you just don't show your friends.

Then you move to hangin' out for longer stretchs. It's like you rented a sportscar for the weekend. You think "Hey, I like this one. Let's see if anyone thinks I should buy it." Invite 'em to a social thing around a few friends, maybe dinner with the folks.

Now you're together, a couple. You bought the car, the ride is awesome and you show it off to everyone! Life seems good and you drive the hell outta it til one of ya is outta gas!

Ahh shit, now you've traded your muscle car for a minivan. You married 'em. Your not nearly as cool as you were and you seldom drive or even ride in it.

Well, here ya are, a few too many miles and rough roads, shit starts to break, and you still owe money on the damn thing. They leave your ass. The big D! Here comes the repo man. Yeah, it was a minivan, but it was your minivan dammit!

Now your paying for someone else's ride!

Life's relationships are a real sumbitch, til ya buy the right ride!

How looney do you think I am?

Could it be that I need professional help? At least once a week, someone tells me "you need help" or some variation of that statement. See, I thought this was not only my therapy, but yallz as well. So here's your chance to tell me exactly what you think. I know I'm off my damn rocker, but I'll let the masses speak. No holds barred honesty please

Make me wanna slap yo momma

Anyone mind if I break out my prejudice bone today and beat the hell outta the youth of America, that their momma never told them how to dress? No? Good!

First, stop stealin' pantyhose from grandma and putting it on your head. If you don't want your weave gettin' outta control, get a damn haircut!

Second, buy or steal pants that fit! If you can't, a belt, a rope, a fucking ziptie would do us all a huge favor. I didn't get up this mornin wanting to see your UNDERSHORTS! Plus then you won't have to walk like someone just dropkicked you in the knee, just to keep them above mid thigh. Pull up your pants!

Lastly, just cuz this is all I got from one ghetto fab mutha I saw while gettin' coffee, learn to tie your shoes brotha! Those fancy ass, all white K-Swiss came with laces for a reason dumbshit!

If you really want to advertize, "Hey, I'm the one in which ill opinions of my race are formed around", it would be so much more simple to just hang a sign round your ignorant ass neck! Hell, I'll even paint it and bedazzle the shit outta it for ya. Bling-Bling right?

What is The Dose?

For those inquiring, fresh, untainted minds, there is no real explaination of what happens here. Back in 2007, I was bored at the office one day and decided to see if any of my friends would be interested in getting a little piece of my twisted humor or POV on weekdays. The response was huge. I think we started with about 30-40 members, minions, and it has grown and grown to the point I can no longer send it via text and email alone. Currently just over 400 followers in this here "cult" of sorts.

Things you can expect here are:
Random things I witness or do that spawn an interesting thought or laughable comment.
Topics in which minions are encouraged to comment on or tell on themselves about.
My own opinions on public affairs, politics, stupid people, random thoughts.
Rants and raves on everything under the sun, or the moon if it's dark when I think of it.

This is why we now have a blog as well. It's going to make the interaction between my minions more open and fun, I hope. So if you enjoy a good laugh, an eye opening opinion, or just like to cut up over seemingly strange or stupid subjects, this is the place for you!

Welcome to The Dose